I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
