8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
