Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just invented taco cereal.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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