You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
