Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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