The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
