wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
