so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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