The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
