have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Randomize
