I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize