no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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