Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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