Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
