Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
