I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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