Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
