i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
