happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
