he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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