doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
