matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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