I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
