I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
