My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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