I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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