This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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