we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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