can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
