I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
