He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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