Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
