I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
