just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
