i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dick very happy bro
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
