How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize