i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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