Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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