I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
