Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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