i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
