Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
