Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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