i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
