I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
