Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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