What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
