That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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