Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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