I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
