chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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