So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
