in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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