oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
kristin has been a bad kristin
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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