tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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