I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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