I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize