It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
