I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
