i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
