thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize