its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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