my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
