It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
