i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
