I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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