Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
